The Secret Agent
God was so secretive; He did not reveal himself to me until I was about 21. He crept in and out of my life with blessings and success stories. He hid himself behind lonely and hungry nights that I never thought I would get through. He sneakily, and gradually, stole insecurity from me.
When He finally became my friend, I told him my deepest secrets. I wasn’t scared to admit that I was a bad person because He made me feel safe. I told Him about my inappropriate sexual thoughts and actions, and He even knew the ones I never mentioned. I cried out about my love from women.
He introduced me to a special book where He wrote secrets about how he loved the bad people who had inappropriate sexual thoughts and behaviors, and a lot of stuff about women- even women who loved women.
It was at this time that I wanted new secrets to tell. No more about women; instead, I admitted I had sex with a man although I tried really hard to wait until marriage. And somehow I felt that secret was less harsh than the one about women. But- the secret behind my new secret was, I missed my old one. Honestly, I desired it. I was too scared to tell Him about that secret.
So I hid it.
But then it became apparent in our relationship. He did not say many nice things in his secret book about those who chose their secrets before him. And I did. I still do. It is hard to tell Him that I miss Him because although he said “Love Never Fails,” for some reason I feel like He loves me less. I tell myself a little secret everyday: I love her and I’m hoping He’s okay with that.