My Pandora’s Box
the door shut
I was left
outside in the hallway
for the umpteenth time
knees scratching against the ivory carpet as tears streamed down my face
forced to listen to the giggles of my older sisters
as snippets of their conversation wafted through the wood
it sounded like nothing I wanted to talk about let alone hear
but I was lonely, and I wanted in I wanted to fit in
I wanted…
Pandora’s Box flipped open silently like a whisper of a kiss from parents saying that you are too little to play the games with the older girls but because you are a girl you are now too old—can’t fight with the boys anymore
Stuck between a rock and a hard place
I began to assume I wasn’t good enough
The giggles ended
as I left the semi-circle behind one girl stood out in particular
she was all willowy legs and long brown hair
always braided up neat and sophisticated
she upgraded leaving me feeling quite used
broken though like toys during Christmas time
Pandora’s Box crashed open like tears of regret broken pleading to let me back into their life how long do I have to be on my knees to make you forgive me for whatever imaginary transgression you have against me
I began to realize that it was my fault
YOU LIKE HIM
the loud shouts echoed over the now quiet lunchroom
I don’t think I ever heard it that quiet before
silence became like bombs but maybe that’s because my ears were blown out by the sounds of my well-kept secrets being released to the air
I had to deny
for the incredulous stares and snickers of amusement that the nerdette with the fucked-up teeth could even began to deem herself worthy of liking somebody
somebody help me
Pandora’s Box opened yet again
I thought this time I had a friend that I could trust with my well-concealed blush but it can only hide the red of my cheeks not the red of my eyes as I realized I was denied even that small sliver of happiness
Wanted to keep it close to my chest
I became a blur as I popped up next to my friends
jumping into the conversation leaving the one I left quite unfinished
if I am loud, they won’t try to fill the silence with jests about me
they won’t leave me
please don’t leave me
The echoing hollow of my long past open Pandora’s box
Occasionally the hinges will groan out over its long time of being open
The hinges rusted by my tears… I wanna drown in them like Alice
Maybe then this madness will make some sense
I sit
Tapping my foot against my bed frame as I drown in teeny bopper bullshit
scraping at the cuticle on my hands nibbling at my nails ripping out blackheads with a box cutter
I am paranoid
a bundle of nerves afraid to take too far a step out of my preconceived comfort zone
I am afraid I’ll end up alone
cast aside for the next big thing
like old hand me downs
I wear old hand me downs
baggy clothes feel like home on my too slight frame
my choir teacher said I should dress better
made the class pause to applaud my suit and tie it made me feel like dying sitting with my ears unnaturally hot I cursed myself for letting myself be put in that situation I thought I had trained myself better
This smirk is starting to get a bit too hard to hold
my laughter sounding a bit too false even to my lying ears I don’t want to talk to people, but I want to talk to people
My friends call me chicken shit
say take the plunge all they can say is no
but there always words after the word no
and that lunge is the Grand Canyon
and I am a penguin
and I can’t fly
and I am even wondering why I am in the hot ass dessert I should stay where it’s cold outside
baby when it’s cold outside I can be alone, but I don’t want to be alone, I fear that if I say anything more than shallow enjoyment of a person’s company, they will snort in derision not even understanding why I feel that way or worse
laughing at me for feeling such a way
It’s completely irrational and I know that
Does not change that my heart freezes when someone even mentions confessions
Or that being called chicken shit I will not deny or that sometimes I just want to cry but I smile because it’s too far out of the range of what everyone expects of me to show negative emotion
My pandora’s box was opened when I was ten years old, and as often as I try to shut it
it gets flung back open
It’s open and now
my fear and my anxiety and my stammering over my words and my awkward blurbs makes it so I still can’t walk down the street and hear giggling without fleeing
knowing that in no way shape or form it had anything to do with me